A Waste of Time
by Silence Reign
Summary: Tsuzuki meets Hijiri on a snowy day, and gets to spend more time with him. That's when Hisoka's jealousy kicks in. ....My summaries are always so lame.
1. One

_It feels almost like my first fanfiction, it's been so long since someone actually read anything that I wrote! Unfortunately, like my first work, it contains many grammar errors because my mother language isn't English. I need a beta but no kind soul seems to volunteer... ::sighs::_

_Disclaimers: None of this belongs to me, maybe except for the plot. But, who knows how many 'love-triangle's people write about out there!_

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            A Waste of Time [One: Years]

            White snow covered the streets, painting the city with cold beauty. It had been snowing for a while now and it didn't look like it would stop anytime soon. But the cold and the snow could be good sometimes, when they didn't create a traffic jam or keept people indoors by blocking the doors and sidewalks, the sight of the falling small flakes that brushed everything they found with silvery-white fingertips could distract the mind from the ordinary sad thoughts, it was highly addictive. The stores still wore Christmas and New Year decorations, memories of the two holidays that had just gone by. It was middle January now, and it was 'year' again. Another year. 

            As he walked, alone for the first time in a couple of years, Tsuzuki wondered what the new year would bring. He had long stopped doing "New Year Resolutions", knowing that, in the end, all of them would be nothing but wishful things and he'd end up fulfilling none. Just like everyone, Tsuzuki expected a new year full of pleasant surprises, he wouldn't dare to deny that, being truthful to himself as he was. More than a shinigami, a powerful god of death whose  job was to collect stray souls, he was a man in touch with his inner child and, just like a good child, he tried to be optimistic even in times when, as his partner Hisoka would say 'things just couldn't get any worse'.

            Tsuzuki was too distracted with his observation of snow and his thoughts to notice that someone had been following him for quite a while, first hesitantly, hiding whenever Tsuzuki threatened to look back, and now simply walking behind him and wondering when Tsuzuki would notice that he was being followed. 

            When it didn't happen, the person covered Tsuzuki's eyes with small gloved hands and whispered, so low that the shinigami barely heard the slightly familiar voice. "Guess who?"

            Temporarily blind, Tsuzuki had only two options: instinctively guessing or trying to recognize or associate the voice with someone that he knew, which was actually a form of guessing. So, Tsuzuki chose the second method, since it was a method that promised more accuracy. The voice didn't belong to a grown man, and it was too high and excited to belong to any of his co-workers. It was probably from a boy in his late teens and the only one who matched this pattern was Hisoka, but Hisoka wasn't cheerful and wouldn't ask Tsuzuki to guess who he was. Well, since he wouldn't guess who it was anyway, he went for the next best thing. "Hisoka?"

            The boy chuckled. "Almost." 

            The hands were removed from his eyes and Tsuzuki turned around to find a friend, someone he hadn't seen in a long time and that suddenly became his first New Year surprise. "Hijiri?!" he exclaimed, almost disbelievingly. Hijiri barely had time to nod before Tsuzuki delightedly flung his arms around him in a warm, tight embrace that sent away the cold feeling that snow brought along with its bliss. "Long time no see!! How are you?" 

            Hijiri gasped, feeling the air being drained from his lungs, he patted Tsuzuki's back. "Hey, I still need to breathe." Even though Hijiri's intention was only to make Tsuzuki loosen his grip a little, the man broke the hug completely, letting the cold return to Hijiri's body.

            "Gomen!" Tsuzuki said, scratching the back of his head embarrassedly. "But it's been so long... I even thought I'd never see you again!" 

            Hijiri only smiled.

            There was so much to talk that all the time in the world seemed to be not time enough for the old friends. They sat inside a cafe, to keep away from the snow and to be closer to the kitchen as Tsuzuki had insisted –and talked for what seemed like hours but wasn't more than thirty minutes, telling stories and commenting how life was strange, and how much people could change in a short period of time.

            "'Short period', Tsuzuki? It's been two years." Hijiri said, frowning slightly. 

            Tsuzuki just smiled, for he knew that Hijiri would never understand that 'time' for him meant nothing. He had lived so many years that a couple of them were, in fact, only a second to him, a brief moment in his life. But, as they say, time flies when you're having fun and if the last two years hadn't been the best of his life, they were pretty close to it.

            "Where is Hisoka? I thought he was your partner. Wasn't he supposed to be here with you?" Hijiri asked, looking around in hope to see the boy that had ressembled him so much, though probably not anymore because years had taken their toll on Hijiri as they never would on Hisoka.

            "He preferred to stay at home," Tsuzuki said, smiling. "He doesn't like snow a lot, since for him 'snow' means 'traffic jam and slippery sidewalks'. A shame he didn't come. I bet he misses you as well." 

            "I miss him too," Hijiri confessed, green eyes turning said for a while then lighting up with glee again. "And what are you doing here on Earth, Tsuzuki?" he asked, lowering his voice so that only Tsuzuki could hear, thus keeping them safe from the ears of the curious.  

            "Believe it or not, I'm on vacation." Tsuzuki answered, gently. "So, I can go wherever I want to. Actually I've been spending more time at home because of Hisoka than anywhere else... How about you, Hijiri?"

            "Me? Well, still the same old..." Hijiri said, waving his hand nonchalantly. "Just finished high school, going to college, still playing the violin...now more than ever because I've decided to turn professional. I have to practice a lot and learn new things, and keep learning until I think I have learned everything. Then I'll teach." 

            "You're already a professional violinist." Tsuzuki said, leaning his elbows on the table and supporting his head with his hands, watching Hijiri fondly as he spoke. It was good to talk to someone who he hadn't seen for so long, to learn what life had put them through and, sometimes, letting them know about his life as well. Not everything, of course. Tsuzuki didn't tell him about Kyoto. Didn't say a word about how close he had gotten to Hisoka since they moved in together. Hijiri didn't need to know. 

            "My god, look at the time!" Hijiri exclaimed, suddenly, looking at a clock on the counter for the first time. Tsuzuki could tell that he didn't want to leave, as he was standing up hesitantly as if he was expecting to be pulled back by his friend. Hijiri smiled, suddenly, taking Tsuzuki's cold hand in his and, with a pen that he borrowed from a waitress, began to write something on the shinigami's open palm. "This is my address. I'll be home all day tomorrow, why don't you come over? I have a violin lesson now, but I want to talk to you again..."

            "Sure." Tsuzuki replied, with a cheerful smile. "See you tomorrow then."

            Hijiri left and Tsuzuki stayed a little longer. If Hijiri had any second intentions, the other would never have noticed, all he wanted was to go home and tell Hisoka. Tsuzuki was sure that Hisoka would be very happy to see Hijiri again. A few minutes later, Tsuzuki left the warmth of the cafe and walked into the mercilessly cold winter evening, heading home.

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            Hisoka was watching the snow cover the world from the window of the living room when Tsuzuki walked in, bouncing like a four-year-old in his everlasting and senseless joy, filling the house with the warmth that would never exist without Tsuzuki's positive feelings. The aforementioned warmth made Hisoka forget the snow and turn to his friend with quizzical eyes as he sensed that Tsuzuki was exaggerating in the happiness and that nearly bothered him.

            "What?" Tsuzuki asked, almost uncomfortable under Hisoka's insistent gaze. It was not taht he wasn't used to the boy's wordless questions; Hisoka had never been a talkative person and he was content with the silent company. But today Hisoka seemed especially curious. Tsuzuki smiled smugly when he noticed that he was beginning to learn how to read Hisoka's eyes. 

            "You are all...bouncy. What happened?"

            Tsuzuki's smile widened. He fell on to a couch and patted the place beside him gently, signing to Hisoka to join him. "Guess who I met today?" 

Hisoka sat beside him without making a sound, looking at Tsuzuki, now more curious than ever though he didn't let it show.      

            One thing that Hisoka had learned with time was that when Tsuzuki said 'guess', he didn't really want him to guess. Tsuzuki became disappointed when he succeeded. So, Hisoka went for the most unlikely person to meet on the streets. "Tatsumi-san?"

            "No, of course not! Tatsumi-san is working now!" Tsuzuki said, waving his index finger in front of the boy's face. "I met Hijiri!" 

            Hisoka felt that he wouldn't have guessed even if he had actually tried. His reaction to the reappearance of the friendly violinist was the opposite of Tsuzuki's. He frowned in concentration, compressing his lips. All that his mind managed to formulate as a reaction to that statement was a quiet "oh" of surprise. It wasn't that he didn't like Hijiri, since he thought that the other boy was a rather nice person, but Hisoka was very aware that Hijiri had feelings for Tsuzuki that now rivaled his own, though Hisoka was more than certain that they would never beat his in gravity and depth.

            "I was surprised too." Tsuzuki said, since Hisoka didn't say anything other than the soft interjection. We talked for a while before he had to leave to attend to a violin lesson."

            Hisoka sat in silence, but he wasn't listening to his partner's words as his mind seemed to find something better to dwell on. Hijiri would one day become a rival and perhaps Tsuzuki would like him more than he liked Hisoka, and even when he'd rather die again than admit it, Hisoka found the first flames of jealousy begin to burn within him.

            "So, what do you think?"

            Hisoka looked up at Tsuzuki, since he had lowered his head sometime during his friend's insistent babbling session. "About what?"

            "Going to Hijiri's place, tomorrow. Do you want to come with me?" Tsuzuki asked, cheerfully. 

            Hisoka's good side beat his much less enthusiastic side to the answer, Hijiri _was_ a nice boy, after all, and Hisoka did miss him quite a lot, maybe not as much as his partner, but still...besides, if Hijiri was going to meet Tsuzuki, or vice-versa, it had better be under supervision. "Sure, why not."

            He'd discover 'why not' later, when it was already too late to turn back.

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	2. Two

_Hi! I'd like to thank you all who reviewed, you are very nice! This chapter is boring, I know, but the next will be better, I promise! And thank you very much, dear Gold, for proof-reading it for me!_

_Disclaimers:__ Hijiri, Hisoka and Tsuzuki don't belong to me._

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A Waste of Time [Two: Ameno]

"I think I don't want to go." 

Both the statement and the hesitation behind it surprised Tsuzuki, who stopped midway through buttoning his shirt and stared at Hisoka. The younger shinigami was standing on the doorway, struggling with a scarf that he had carelessly wrapped around his neck and which was now beginning to strangle him. "Why not, Hisoka?"

"Because I wasn't invited..." Hisoka said, yanking hard at the scarf as it persisted on refusing to let him breathe. 

Tsuzuki pried the boy's hands away from the offensive piece of clothing and carefully tied it, batting away Hisoka's mutely protesting hands. The boy blushed furiously, but kept silent.

"Hisoka! Hijiri said he misses you," Tsuzuki said with a smile as he patted Hisoka's scarf into place. "And when you miss someone, you will definitely want to see this person again! He wants to see you, and he'll be happy if you go. You _are_ invited."

Hisoka opened his mouth but nothing came forth. So, instead of arguing he shifted his attention to the window and stared at the snow that was still falling. The Weather Channel said that it would stop snowing but nature never failed to amaze humankind. The houses had a white layer of snow covering their rooftops the gardens, and the trees were frosted over in silver. Hisoka had never liked heat, which was why he disliked hot Summer and unusually warm Spring weathers and he considered Fall a 'dying' season. But looking at the white spread all around and no sign of plant life, he suddenly wondered if Winter was perhaps the worst season of all. 

Tsuzuki pulled on his trenchcoat and looked at himself in the mirror. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to make it look less like a second home for birds and more like...hair. Unfortunately, fingers are not meant to do the work of combs and Tsuzuki was not satisfied with the results. He stared at his reflection with a half-rueful, half-frustrated expression on his face, but Hisoka's voice broke his concentration.

"What if...what if Hijiri wants to be alone with you?" As soon as the words left his mouth, Hisoka felt a blush rising to his cheeks and he quickly turned his head away from his partner. 

Tsuzuki turned from the glass and smiled, shaking his head. "Hisoka...don't be silly!" he exclaimed, ruffling Hisoka's hair and wrapping an arm around the boy's shoulders before he could protest. "I told you, he'll want to see you too, not just me alone. Come on, Hisoka, let's go now!"

Hisoka hadn't left the house for the last four days and was rather impressed to notice how quickly snow had managed to cover the streets in the blink of an eye, making it hard for people to walk without slipping on the wet concrete or tripping over some snowdrift. But he found the lazy, steady _movement of the snowflakes as they drifted down somewhat distracting, and added to this, he was busy shielding himself from the feelings and conversations of the many people around. Hence he didn't really stop to notice exactly where Tsuzuki was taking him or how long it took to get there. The street-lights changed from red to green and the screeching sound of the vehicles on the roads was the only thing that Hisoka could recall before _Tsuzuki stopped walking. 

"It's here, I guess." 

One word to describe the house was 'ordinary'. It was not a big house, and consisted of only one storey, with a garden and a white fence running all around the house. A soft layer of snow covered the roof and the doorsteps, and for a moment Hisoka wondered if they wouldbe able to open the door without having to get a shovel, but Tsuzuki was pulling at him again and he halted that particular train of thought.

Tsuzuki knocked on the door and then waited, with surprising patience. Patience was something that Hisoka didn't have at times like these, and besides, it was Hijiri, and Hisoka still felt rather uncomfortable about the whole visiting thing. The feeling that he should really not be there grew stronger and Hisoka decided to leave even though he knew that he had no idea where he was and would end up getting lost. 

"I'm going home." He announced abruptly and turned on his heel.

Tsuzuki caught him just as he slipped and nearly fell. The older man carefully steadied the blushing boy. "You're staying. C'mon, Hisoka! It's going to be a nice surprise and don't you tell me that you're not curious to see how Hijiri is now!" Tsuzuki added, holding firmly on to Hisoka's arms to prevent the boy from running away. 

Hisoka couldn't deny that, but he'd rather lie than admit defeat. "No, I'm not. He's probably not even home, Tsuzuki! Why don't we go home and you can come back lat—" 

As if on cue, they heard the click of the door being unlocked, and after a few tentative movements, Hijiri managed to push open the door in spite of the snow. Instinctively, Hisoka hid behind Tsuzuki, where he could look at Hijiri without being noticed. Hijiri was different. 

Hijiri smiled widely and launched himself at Tsuzuki, wrapping his arms around his neck, and the waves of euphoria that emanated from Hijiri were so intense that some of it actually managed to filter through Hisoka's shields. Hijiri's eyes had been closed when he hugged Tsuzuki, but they eventually opened lazily, and when he saw Hisoka, his smile widened. "Hisoka! You came too!" 

Hisoka swallowed, and noticed that in spite of himself, he was really very happy to see Hijiri too. Hijiri was much taller than him now and when he hugged Hisoka, it almost felt like it was Tsuzuki, with such sincere warmth enveloping him completely. It felt good for a moment, when Hisoka wrapped his arms around Hijiri and tried to enjoy the contact without synchronizing with him to see if the feelings inside the violinist were for Tsuzuki or for Hisoka himself. 

Warmth was gone too soon, as Hijiri broke the embrace and Hisoka became aware that they were still outside, standing in the freezing weather. Stray snowflakes were beginning to melt in his hair and Hisoka shivered, partly from the physical cold, partly from the realization that, no matter how hard he tried, he'd never be able to see Hijiri as a rival, even though they might soon be in some sort of competition to get to Tsuzuki's heart. Hijiri was so sweet and nice that it was impossible for Hisoka to dislike him._ And Tsuzuki was clueless, smiling at both of them affectionately. Hijiri returned that smile, but Hisoka somehow couldn't bring himself to do the same. He didn't think he stood a chance against Hijiri._

"Come inside! I had a hard time opening the door because of the snow. I had to wake up several times during the night to clean the doorstep and prevent myself from being snowed in," Hijiri said, entering the house and motioning to Tsuzuki and Hisoka to follow him. "It's snowing so much that it's scary. It takes only one hour to cover anything in a thick layer of snow."

The interior of the house was as simple and ordinary-looking as the exterior. The walls were a deep cream and were hung with a few abstract paintings. The living room was small and cozy and the visitors could tell that Hijiri didn't need much space for himself. Living by yourself could be very lonely at times, as Hisoka knew. He himself had lived alone for almost two years before Tsuzuki invited Hisoka to live with him, though purely as friends. 

The abstract paintings on the walls added a splash of vibrant colour to the living room. However, Hisoka wasn't the type to appreciate abstract paintings, for he saw nothing but dashes, curves and impossible, colorful shapes. Still, those meaningless paintings made him feel somewhat calm. Hijiri's house was not like Tsuzuki's and Hisoka's. The walls of their house were painted in several different colors, and mixed objects that usually didn't go together, until the house looked almost alive. It was ironic, Hisoka knew, that the house of the living wasn't as lively as the house of the dead. 

"It's certainly better inside." Hijiri commented, locking the door. "Tea, anyone?"

Tsuzuki immediately sprouted enthusiastic ears and a tail, and it was needless to say that Hijiri's offer was accepted with delight.

++++++++++

Sitting before the hearth, enjoying the warmth of the flames and from the overwhelmingly positive emotions that came from Tsuzuki and Hijiri, who were chatting on the other end of the couch, Hisoka felt almost at peace. It was a false peace, he knew, for he kept watching Hijiri as if the other boy was about to jump on Tsuzuki any minute now. Hisoka knew that his jealousy was foolish and that he shouldn't be thinking of his two friends that way. He should be joining in the conversation instead and ignoring the annoying part of him that insisted that it was late and they should be heading home already. The day had been so pleasant and yet, unlike Tsuzuki, Hisoka hadn't lost track of time, but constantly glanced at his watch as if he was running late.

Hisoka glanced over to the window, rather bothered that it was still snowing. How long until the snow stopped falling? How long would it take until the clouds parted and the sun came out, allowing life to return? How long until he woke up one day, alone at home and discovered that everything was just like it was before, without Hijiri appearing out of the blue and Tsuzuki being over-hyper because of that? How long until Tsuzuki was Hisoka's and Hisoka's only? Long, that was the key word. Very long. Like Tsuzuki, when he learned that 'time' would mean nothing to him anymore, even though he continued to wear a watch,Hisoka began exercising patience, but he wasn't prepared to sit and watch people talk without having a thing to do.

"Hey, Hisoka, what time is it?" Tsuzuki asked, finally noticing Hisoka's instisten time-watching.

"Eleven fourty-five." Hisoka said, looking at his watch for the sixth time in the last ten minutes. Good emotions and fire weren't exactly enough to relieve the boredom. 

"It's late!" Tsuzuki exclaimed, raising his eyebrows. "We better go home."

"Already?" Hijiri asked, sadly, glancing at his own watch to make sure that Hisoka hadn't commited a mistake. 

"It _is_ eleven fourty-five." Hisoka said, narrowing his eyes. Did Hijiri think he was lying just to get Tsuzuki out of there? 

Tsuzuki stood up, smiling like he had been all day and helped both Hijiri and Hisoka to do the same, already heading for the door. "Sankyuu, Hijiri, I liked being here very much!"

Hijiri smiled too, but Hisoka knew that the violinist wasn't happy as he appeared. He thought of how lonely Hijiri would be, all by himself in that empty house and couldn't help but feel bad for the violinist.

"It was my pleasure," Hijiri said, trying to sound cheerful. "But, well, now that you know my address you can visit me any time you like. Please come often!" 

"Sure!" Tsuzuki agreed, joyfully. 

Hijiri unlocked the door, turned the doorknob and pushed, but the door didn't budge. He tried again, but the result was the same. "It won't move," Hijiri said worriedly, giving the door a harder push. Still nothing.

Tsuzuki tried, too, but he didn't have any luck. Meanwhile, Hisoka walked to the window and peered outside. A huge snowdrift was blocking the door and it didn't seem like a simple push would move it. Hijiri joined him and they came to the same disturbing 

"We're snowed in." 

Hisoka frowned but Hijiri beamed, cheering silently for at least snow had had some use! 

"Is there a back door or something?" Tsuzuki asked, trying to fix the situation.

"No...but even if there was one, it would probably be blocked too." Hijiri replied, locking the door again.

"So what do you do now?" Hisoka asked, not really expecting any answer from the other two as they stared at the door.

"Well, you can stay here tonight. There's a guest room and you can sleep there. You don't mind sleeping in the same room, do you?" 

"No!" Tsuzuki said, practically beaming. Hisoka glared at him and tried to say something, anything that would make him change his mind, but a sudden wave of sheer joy coming from Hijiri hit him and he gave up. It would be just this once and even when Hisoka knew that he would most likely be unable to sleep being so close to someone, especially Tsuzuki for that matter, the smile that Hijiri gave as he pulled Tsuzuki and Hisoka to the room made it worth the sacrifice.

++++++++++

"Why didn't you tell him?"

It was almost midnight, and outside the sky was dark grey, announcing the presence of the night, but it wouldn't grow darker until it had stopped snowing. Night brought silence to the city as people prepared to sleep, and silence couldn't be more awkward in the small room that Tsuzuki and Hisoka were sharing for the night. The boy was glad that at least they didn't have to sleep in the same bed, but being so very close to Tsuzuki was beginning to make him feel uneasy. Even though they lived in the same house, Hisoka had never slept less than several metres away from Tsuzuki, and at most, in the room next to the older shinigami's. Here, they were all of three feet apart, lying in beds next to each other!

"Tell him what?" Tsuzuki asked, opening his eyes and forcing them to focus on his young partner. 

"That we didn't need to use the door. That we could have teleported to the street." 

Hisoka didn't need to look at Tsuzuki to know that his eyes had widened. "That didn't even occur me." The man confessed, sincerely. "Why didn't you tell him?"

Hisoka hesitated. "Truth to be told, I'm not sure," he admitted, frowning slightly, his eyes fixed thoughtfully on the white ceiling above him. Anything to prevent him from looking at the curious pair of purple eyes that stared at him, waiting for an answer. "I don't know, Hijiri just seemed so...happy. I couldn't tell him." 

"I know..." Tsuzuki said, stretching. "It's just for today, Hisoka. I know you're not very happy being stuck here with me but let's just humor Hijiri. We can go home tomorrow." 

"It's not that I'm 'not happy here with you', it's just that..." Hisoka stopped, chewing slightly on his bottom lip, thinking of something to say. _It's just that we're so close and I'm frightened.____I don't know what might happen if we stay this close, and not knowing what's going to happen scares me._ "...I'm used to my bed." 

Tsuzuki chuckled, shaking his head and pulling the covers up to his chin. "Pretend that this is your bed, close your eyes and go to sleep, Hisoka." 

Hisoka sighed, yawning as Tsuzuki's sleepiness began to affect him. Still, he couldn't relax into sleep as he did at home, alone in his room, and he began to toss and turn, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

It was going to be a long night.

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	3. Three

_Dear Ruby___Tears_ _you asked why all the authors get the impression that Hisoka is jealous of Hijiri, well, in my story he is. I don't think that he was in the anime, though. You're not missing anything, don't worry! ^_^ I just liked the idea of a love-triangle... _

_Disclaimer: If the characters of Yami no Matsuei are mine, Hisoka is going to sing 'Sans Contrefaçon' to Terazuma now! ::nothing happens:: See, they aren't mine. __Don't sue me._

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            A Waste of Time [Three: Haywire]

            Hisoka woke up alone in the dark room, wondering where he was. He felt cold even though he was wrapped tightly in a blanket. The curtains had been drawn over the windows, probably by Tsuzuki to make the room darker and he couldn't see much, but he knew that he wasn't home. He got out of bed, feeling a little light-headed and bothered. He remembered everything that had happened the previous day and sighed, walking to the window to see if it had stopped snowing. It hadn't. Hisoka drummed his fingers against the glass, exasperated; it was dark outside but he knew that it was already morning.

            "You're finally awake!" 

            Hisoka nearly jumped, letting the curtains fall back into place when he heard the familiar voice that still sounded a little like his. He turned around to find Hijiri smiling at him, standing in the doorway and wearing an apron. Hisoka raised an eyebrow at the sight. He would have laughed, if he hadn't he been wondering why he had not felt Hijiri's approach. He couldn't feel anything coming from Hijiri, not a single feeling, and that was very unusual. Had Tsuzuki taught the violinist how to block Hisoka out? Why wasn't he able to feel Hijiri's feelings like he felt everyone else's? Hisoka thought that it was highly improbable that Hijiri could block him out completely, since the only person who had actually managed to do that was Tatsumi.   

            "Tsuzuki and I were wondering what we'd do for lunch since ordering Chinese is out of question. It'd be a little hard to get the food without opening the door." 

            "The door's still blocked?" Hisoka asked in some surprise_. _

            "It didn't stop snowing during the night," Hijiri explained, pointing at the window. "Well, since ordering food is out of question and letting Tsuzuki cook is a suicide attempt, I was wondering if you'd help me in the kitchen...assuming you can cook, of course." 

            "I can, I cook at home," Hisoka answered seriously. 

            Hijiri smiled and was about to say something when Tsuzuki burst into the room, happy as usual. 

            "Good morning!" he said, cheerfully flinging aside the curtains to make the room only a little lighter than it was. Darkness in winter was frustrating. Tsuzuki pouted and looked at Hijiri and Hisoka. "I'm hungry."

            "You are _always_ hungry," Hisoka stated, shaking his head. 

            "Hisoka said he'd help me to cook something," Hijiri said, smiling. "So we're going to eat soon!" 

            "Can I help too?" Tsuzuki asked, hopefully, as the trio headed for the kitchen. 

            Hijiri stopped, shaking his head sadly.           

"Iie. You stay here and wait!"

            And before Tsuzuki could protest, the door was slammed shut in his face.

            Hisoka looked around in the kitchen, still feeling a little sleepy and tired, for he had only managed to get to sleep when it was almost morning. Tsuzuki hadn't slept very well either, Hisoka knew, for the older shinigami had tossed and turned violently in his sleep, and Hisoka had sat on Tsuzuki's bed and caressed his hair ever so slightly, sending a warm wave of assurance, so that the older man had finally relaxed and fallen into a calming sleep.

            "What do you think we should cook?" Hijiri had opened the fridge and was looking through the contents.

            Hisoka shook his head. "I don't know," he admitted, shrugging. 

            "How about...pancakes?" __

            "Fine. Tsuzuki will most likely eat anything that you give him. But you don't need two people to cook pancakes," Hisoka said sceptically. 

            Hijiri closed the fridge and walked to the cupboard to get the ingredients. "I know...I...wanted to talk to you, actually," Hijiri said, shyly. "You barely talk around Tsuzuki and I and..."

            "You thought that locking yourself in the kitchen with me would make me talk."

            Hijiri chuckled nervously. "Uh...yes?"

            "Nonsense," Hisoka said, shaking his head. "Let Tsuzuki in, I'll talk if that's what you want."

            "No! No, I wanted to talk _to you_."

            Hisoka raised an eyebrow. That was odd. He certainly hadn't expected Hijiri to want to talk to him, much less talk to him in private. 

            "How long have you lived with Tsuzuki?" Hijiri asked, looking curiously at the other boy.

            "Almost one year now..." Hisoka said, thoughtfully.

            "And you're very close to him, right?" Hijiri asked, his voice very low as he busied himself with the pots and pans, deliberately not looking at Hisoka. 

            "Yes, you can say so, but wh..." Hisoka stopped abruptly, his face turning a bright scarlet as Hijiri's emotions hit him. "No, it's not what you're thinking! We're just friends." 

            "Ah." Hijiri seemed to have relaxed. So, Hijiri knew that they were both after the same man and wanted to make sure that Hisoka hadn't beat him to his heart. The violinist's honesty and cluelessness surprised Hisoka when he spoke, slowly. "I think that I like Tsuzuki. But not...you know, friend like. I _like_ like. More like _love_ like. And I don't know what to do, or...if he can like me as well."

            Hisoka stared at him, carefully keeping his face emotionless, allowing the information to sink in. Or perhaps it wasn't so much the information that shocked him, but the fact that Hijiri had confided in him. "W-Why are you telling me all this?" he asked, quietly hanging on to the kitchen counter for support.

            "Because...well, you're so close to him...I thought you could give me some advice." Hijiri was blushing slightly now, and still wouldn't look at Hisoka.

            "Advice?"

            "Yes, since you know him so well, I thought you were the best person to go for advice. Do you think that he could ever like me?" 

            Hisoka winced as he felt his head begin to ache with what seemed to be an overdose of information. Hijiri was an idiot and his naïvete irrationally angered the younger boy. How was the shinigami supposed to answer that question? Was he supposed to say what he wanted it to happen? Hisoka didn't feel like playing God and he knew that he would be miserable if Tsuzuki decided to return Hijiri's feelings. But Hisoka had decided to pretend that for him, unconditional love did exist, and that he'd be happy as long as Tsuzuki was, no matter what choice he made. Right. Absolutely.

            He spoke, softly, trying to be as neutral as possible. "Tsuzuki's heart is big...too big for his own good. Even if he doesn't like you now, and I don't know whether he does or not, I think…" Hisoka swallowed, clenching his fists silently. "…he can learn how to." __

            Hijiri turned to him and smiled brilliantly, his whole face lighting up. "Thank you, Hisoka!" he exclaimed gratefully, hugging the shinigami for a brief while, then going back to cooking the breakfast. "Sorry if I had to lock you in the kitchen to talk. But...I had to know if…if I had a chance. Thanks again."

            Hisoka sighed deeply, massaging his temple to ease the headache. Things were beginning to get out of control and he wasn't sure what to do anymore. He wanted to go away, to get Tsuzuki out of there, keep him as far away from the violinist as possible, and the further, the better.

++++++++++

            Hisoka knew that he had to tell Tsuzuki what Hijiri had said. First because Hijiri didn't ask him not to tell, and second because he wanted to know how Tsuzuki felt about that. But he couldn't do that in front of Hijiri and it was hard to get a moment alone with Tsuzuki now that Hijiri had taken Hisoka's impartial opinion as an encouragement to shower Tsuzuki with even more affection than before.

            In short, Hisoka's life was hell at the moment.

            To make it worse, it was still snowing and it didn't seem like they would be able to open the door yet. And Hisoka doubted that Tsuzuki would tell Hijiri about their teleporting skills. They'd probably have to spend another night at Hijiri's place. Hisoka wondered how much more of that he'd be able to take. He was beginning to feel suffocated and cornered, and if Tsuzuki and Hijiri decided to get together then, he'd go insane!

            Hisoka was glad when the telephone rang in Hijiri's room and the violinist had to leave Tsuzuki and his partner alone in the living room to pick it up. Hisoka moved closed to Tsuzuki, sitting beside him on the couch, the spot that had belonged to Hijiri a moment ago and began speaking, in a whisper, afraid that Hijiri might hear.

            "Tsuzuki, when Hijiri..." he paused, hesitantly. He blushed and Tsuzuki chuckled, used to have Hisoka blushing for no reason, but he was not used to the secretive tone in his voice.

            "What?"

            "Never mind." Hisoka said, waving his hand. 

           Tsuzuki didn't need to know, not yet, and he'd eventually tell him later, once they were back home, feeling a little more comfortable and with more privacy. But Tsuzuki grabbed his hand and Hisoka looked at him, surprised.

            "Teeeell me!!" Tsuzuki cried, putting on his best 'wounded-puppy' face.

            "It's nothing, Tsuzuki, really," Hisoka said, looking away from his partner. "I was wondering when we can go home." 

            Hijiri was in the room again before Tsuzuki could answer, and Hisoka resumed his boring task of watching the other shinigami and the violinist talk. He wished now, more than ever, that he hadn't come to Hijiri's house in the first place.

++++++++++

            The room was quiet in the darkness; the entire house was. In the darkest hours of the night, Hisoka usually tried to think of pleasant things that would allow him to sleep, and even sometimes when sleep didn't come until dawn, it was still nice to think that after every midnight it was morning again. But that only worked at home and that night Hisoka was struggling with a rather bothersome insomnia.

            He stood up and walked to Tsuzuki's bed, kneeling on the floor beside the sleeping man. He shook Tsuzuki's arm ever so slightly and the older shinigami woke up with a startled shudder. "What?!" Tsuzuki asked, confused.

            "I want to go home." Hisoka stated.

            "Mmhmm..." Tsuzuki mumbled, covering his eyes with his arm with the intention of going back to sleep. 

            "Tsuzuki, I _really_ want to go home."

            Tsuzuki sat up, stretching, and looked at his partner with a fond smile. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and let Hisoka lean his head on his leg. It was a common position to them. After living together for so long, touching came naturally, though it was almost a taboo when they had first moved in together. "You don't like staying here, ne?"

            "No. I don't." Hisoka closed his eyes as Tsuzuki's fingers began to slide through his hair. 

            "Why not?"

            Hisoka wanted to tell him why, but he couldn't. Touches, yes, but words still weren't allowed between them. Hisoka wasn't good with words, but then again they had never needed them to understand each other. But now there was someone else and words were beginning to become necessary. "Because...Hijri, he...he..." he hesitated and Tsuzuki leapt to his own conclusions.

            "You don't like Hijri, do you?"

            "No!" Hisoka cried, then shook his head. "I mean, yes! .....I mean, I do like Hijiri but...you're confusing me!" Tsuzuki chuckled and Hisoka glared at him. "Baka!" 

            "If Hijiri's not the problem, what is it, then?"

            "Well, Hijiri _is_ part of the problem." Hisoka started.

            "Did he do something to you that you didn't like?"

            "No, he..."

            "Did he try to m—" 

            "Tsuzuki!" Hisoka cried, angrily. "Will you stop trying to guess and let me speak?"

            "Gomen! I was just..."

            "Are you two okay?"

            Tsuzuki and Hisoka turned around to find Hijiri standing on the doorway, rubbing his eyes and wearing a sleepy expression. Hisoka tried to move away from Tsuzuki but the man kept caressing his hair and he gave up.

            "I heard a shout and..."

            "We're fine." Tsuzuki said, smiling. "Hisoka's just having a headache."

            "Ah...I have some pills in my room, if you want one..."

            "No, it's going away," Hisoka mumbled, blushing. If Hijiri hadn't been in such a sleepy daze he would have noticed the position of the two shinigami and made wrong assumptions. It wasn't as if Hisoka wanted to traumatize Hijiri forever with the _supposed_ betrayal. 

            "...okay, then. I'll go back to bed, good night, everyone..." Hijiri said with a huge yawn, before walking back to his room. 

            Hisoka stood up hastily. "Let's go home." 

            "Now?" Tsuzuki asked, raising an eyebrow.

            "Now." Hisoka said, folding his arms. He wouldn't spend another night in that place, and now he had lost the courage to tell Tsuzuki about the conversation in the kitchen.

            Tsuzuki only chuckled, standing up and scooping Hisoka up on his arms in the process. Hisoka blushed harder, trying to push Tsuzuki away, but the man unceremoniously tossed him on his bed before he could protest. Tsuzuki pulled the blanket up to Hisoka's chin, ignoring the glare on the boy's face.

            "What do you think you're doing?!" 

            "Tucking you in," Tsuzuki said simply. "We'll go home tomorrow."

            "...you said that yesterday," Hisoka mumbled, watching his partner as he returned to his own bed.

            Hisoka stayed awake until he was sure that Tsuzuki was sleeping soundly. He let the blissful silence of the night lull him to sleep, even though his mind was full and trying to prevent him from resting. He'd make sure that he and Tsuzuki went back to their house the next day; he'd find a way to go home and be alone with his partner again.

            _I'll tell him tomorrow_, was the last coherent thought that crossed his head as unconsciousness claimed him.

++++++++++


	4. Four

_Allow me to explain my delay. I have moved recently and didn't have access to a computer for two months and a half. This chapter has been ready for ages and only now I had the opportunity to post it. Well, continuing the fic, that's the part of the story where everyone starts acting out of character._

_Disclaimer__: None of this is mine._

++++++++++

         A Waste of Time [Four: Defy]   
  


         It was still dark. Hisoka opened his eyes and yawned. He was tired but he couldn't sleep any longer. He looked at the digital clock on the night-table and saw that it was four fifteen in the morning. He knew that worrying over things was preventing him from getting his rest, and he didn't like thinking so much but it seemed impossible to stop. He wished he could, but his mind wasn't really obeying him. He had promised that 'he'd tell Tsuzuki tomorrow'. Well, it was already 'tomorrow', the first hours of 'tomorrow'. It was today. So he didn't think twice before walking to Tsuzuki's bed and shaking him awake.

         Tsuzuki groaned and buried his face on the pillow, trying to ignore the hand on his shoulder that was trying to force him out of the pleasant dream in which he was sitting before the hearth with a mug of hot chocolate in his hands and it wasn't cold or snowing, only warm and peaceful. But Hisoka wouldn't let him sleep. Tsuzuki knew that his partner was having issues with staying at Hijiri's house, and that the problem wasn't the house itself as Hisoka claimed. 

         "Tsuzuki!" 

         Tsuzuki gave up completely on trying to go back to the dream. 

         "I'm awake! I'm awake." He sat up on the bed and rubbed his eyes, looking absentmindedly at the clock. "Hisoka, it's four in the morning," he stated, looking at his partner in concern, knowing that Hisoka wouldn't call him at such time just for the sake of seeing him awake. "Are you okay?"

         "Aa. I'm fine." 

         Or, thinking it over, maybe Hisoka would actually call him at that hour just to wake him. 

         "I don't think so. What happened, then?" 

         Hisoka lowered his head pensively, and for a moment Tsuzuki thought that the boy was trying to read him, so he immediately raised his shields. Apparently, Hisoka got the hint. 

         "I can't sleep," Hisoka began slowly. "I…well, it's because something that Hijiri said yesterday is…is bothering me." 

         "What did he say?"

         Hisoka clasped his hands together tightly, feeling very nervous . "I feel that you know since it concerns you, but I don't think that Hijiri would want me to tell." 

         Tsuzuki sighed and fell back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "Why don't you _ask_ him whether you can tell me or not?"

         Hisoka stayed quiet for a while before answering. "Because he'll say that I can't."

         "Then why are you dwelling on that? Just forget about it. If it was about me, I don't care. You don't have to—"

         "That's exactly the problem, Tsuzuki, you _would_ care!" 

         Tsuzuki raised an eyebrow. "...what?"

         "...fine. Just forget about it, I'll try to do the same. For now. But I still want to go home. Maybe I can tell you there."

         Tsuzuki chuckled, running a hand through his hair. "You must have said 'I want to go home' about one hundred times since we got here. Tell me what's troubling you, Hisoka. I hate to see you like that," he added with a soft smile.

         Hisoka immediately blushed and mumbled, "Nothing. It's nothing." 

         "Hisoka, it isn't nothing." Tsuzuki sat up again and grabbed his partner's shoulders, making the boy face him. "I know you well enough to know that you are not uneasy for nothing. Was it something I did?"

         "Baka," Hisoka whispered, half-heartedly. "You always find a way to blame yourself. No, it wasn't something you did. It's not your fault. I'm just…a bit paranoid, that's all." 

         Tsuzuki frowned. He wasn't used to have Hisoka acting so out of character and he wasn't quite certain of what to do when Hisoka wasn't acting like the usually cold and silent teenager who was never willing to admit a mistake or flaw. Tsuzuki had seen him lose a bit of the attitude time and again, but 'paranoid' Hisoka was something he didn't know how to deal with. So he simply tried to do what he did when Hisoka was angry, hoping that the results were as positive as they were when the boy was actually _angry—perhaps _a bit of cuddling would be the cure to all evils. 

         Tsuzuki wrapped his arms around his partner and lay back down on the bed, pulling the reluctant Hisoka with him. "If worrying would solve your problems, I would help you to worry. We can sit down together tomorrow, Hijiri, you and me, and try to talk. But first you have to rest."

         Hisoka sighed deeply when Tsuzuki pulled the blankets over the both of them and went back to sleep holding on to him as if he was a giant teddy bear. 

_         Fool. Fool, fool, fool. You lost your courage again. _Hisoka closed his eyes, angrily, but he still couldn't sleep. 

++++++++++

         Hijiri leaned against the doorframe, watching the two sleeping shinigami with a heavy feeling in his chest. He wondered if that was a common occurrence. Did Hisoka and Tsuzuki sleep like that back in their home? Hijiri couldn't help but feel a little jealous.

         He walked to the kitchen and boiled some water to make coffee. Tsuzuki was very nice to Hisoka. Then again, Tsuzuki was nice to mostly everyone. Hisoka had told Hijiri that they were just friends, so there was no point in worrying, right? But Hijiri had never considered that Hisoka could have lied not to hurt him. He knew that the young shinigami wasn't pleased to stay at his place. Hijiri had seen the face he had made when Tsuzuki had agreed to stay on for another night because of the snow. And Hisoka had become strangely uneasy when Hijiri told him about his feelings for Tsuzuki. _Should it make sen—_

_         Of course! _Hijiri slapped his own forehead, cursing his own stupidity. Hisoka _liked_ Tsuzuki! It had been so obvious that he hadn't noticed or even cared. But if Hisoka liked Tsuzuki, why hadn't he made a move yet? They lived together, they had been partners for such a long time and still...why would Hisoka wait for so long?

         It was then that Hijiri noticed that he didn't know a thing about Hisoka. They hadn't really stopped to talk and learn things about each other like Hijiri and Tsuzuki had. He didn't know a thing about Hisoka's past or personality, except for the fact that something really bad had made the boy create a shell around himself. All he knew about Hisoka either he had assumed or Tsuzuki had told him. It wasn't much.

         And what were they supposed to do now? Back Tsuzuki up against the wall and force him to choose, assuming of course that the shinigami actually _wanted_ one of them? That didn't seem right. _Why must everything be so complicated?,_ Hijiri asked himself, pacing back and forth in the small kitchen. He didn't know what do and what to say, how to act. Maybe it would be better if he just stopped liking Tsuzuki and letting Hisoka have him, but it wasn't so easy. Why couldn't things be a little, just a little simpler? 

         Hijiri sat on a chair, with his head in his hands, feeling both confused and unhappy. _Life is unfair._

         He should have learned that sooner. 

++++++++++ 

         Hisoka felt warm, inside and outside, when he woke up. It took him a moment to adjust his eyes to the darkness in the room. He looked at the clock and saw that it read eight-thirty a.m. Deciding that he had stayed in bed for long enough, he pushed the covers aside and tried to get up only to find he couldn't. There was an arm wrapped around his waist, preventing him from moving. Hisoka looked behind him to find Tsuzuki still sleeping, smiling contentedly in dreamland, and Hisoka instinctively blushed. 

         Trying not to wake up the other shinigami, Hisoka disentangled himself from Tsuzuki's arms. He was feeling rather comfortable in the embrace, truth to be told, but he had noticed that the door was open and it would be embarrassing if Hijiri decided to show up and see them lying together like that in bed. Once free, Hisoka stood up, stretched and yawned, grimacing as his back cracked slightly. He still felt tired, knowing that he hadn't slept enough but _nothing_ would get him back into bed, Tsuzuki or not. He'd have plenty of time to sleep at home and he still hadn't given up on going home although Tsuzuki apparently had. 

         Hisoka walked to the kitchen quietly, thinking. He had to talk to Hijiri. He was tired of playing the fool, of letting the violinist throw himself at Tsuzuki without objecting. Hisoka felt like he'd blow up at any time soon if he didn't let it all out. Odd, he thought, for he was usually under control and yet one simple thing had managed to crack his control just like that.

         Hijiri was sitting in the kitchen with his head bowed, but he raised it when Hisoka walked into the kitchen. "Good morning," Hijiri said, standing up to get the boiled water to make the coffee, only to find that all the water had evaporated. He sighed and filled the kettle again. "How's your head?"

         "My head?" Hisoka asked, raising an eyebrow.

         "You had a headache last night, are you feeling better?"

         "Ah. Yes, it was nothing." The shinigami sat on a chair and leaned his head on his arms, while Hijiri watched him suspiciously. 

         "Are you sure? You don't look very well."

         "I didn't get a lot of sleep, that's all. I'm all right."

         Hijiri was tense and the tension filtered through Hisoka's shields, which were weak this morning, due to his exhaustion. Neither spoke for what seemed like hours, the violinist busy with his coffee and the shinigami trying to read him to discover what bothered him so much. Hisoka felt rather uncomfortable, for the silence between them was disturbing, but it didn't take much longer before Hijiri broke the silence.

         "Do you and Tsuzuki sleep together at home?" he asked, almost shyly. 

         Hisoka cursed under his breath. So Hijiri had seen them. _Great._ "No." Hisoka said, trying to find a decent excuse to justify the fact that they had done that that night. "I had a nightmare and he—"

         "Hisoka, do you like him?"

         Hisoka's eyes widened and he lowered his head to conceal the blush that rose to his cheeks. He tried to find something intelligent to say but somehow he couldn't think of anything to say. Why did Hijiri have to be so blunt? Hisoka attempted to look as if he didn't know what Hijiri was talking about. "What do you mean?"

         "You said that Tsuzuki and you were just friends..."

         "We _are_ just friends," Hisoka stated, hastily. 

         "Is that all you want?"

         Hisoka looked up at Hijiri curiously. "Excuse me?"

         "Is that all you want from him? Friendship?"

         The shinigami leaned back on the chair, lowering his shields ever so slightly, trying to see what Hijiri wanted. But all he felt was anxiety and expectation, and he came to the conclusion that Hijiri simply didn't know what he wanted. "What's your point?"

         "I just want to know if you want to be more than friends with Tsuzuki," Hijiri explained, turning around to face the other boy, looking more serious than Hisoka had ever seen him before. "And if you do, why did you tell me that he could love me when you didn't want him to?"

         "I never said that I don't want him to love you."

         "You never said you did either." Hijiri said, folding his arms in front of his chest. "Do you?"

         Hisoka opened his mouth but nothing came forth. He wasn't sure whether he wanted it or not, and how was he supposed to answer that question without telling the truth about how he felt about Tsuzuki? Part of him wanted Tsuzuki to be happy no matter what, but another part of him, the selfish one, wanted Tsuzuki to be happy, yes, but with _Hisoka_. Rather tired of being nice when it was so out of character, Hisoka let the selfish part answer, barely above a whisper. 

         "No."

         Hijiri seemed surprise, probably expecting the other boy to say something else, but he quickly regained his composure. "...you know, I didn't know a thing about that untill this morning when I saw you and Tsuzuki sleeping together. But you live with him, Hisoka! Why did you do that in _my_ house?" 

         "I didn't do anything!" Hisoka said, blushing. "But things would have been certainly better if you weren't all over Tsuzuki like you are."

         "Me? I'm not doing that!" 

         "I am not blind! I see what you do and that's...stupid!" Hisoka took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "You shouldn't be so forward."

         "_I_ didn't sleep with him," Hijiri said, trying to look nonchalant but watching Hisoka's reaction. 

         The shinigami stood up, angrily, and walked to the violinist. 

         "Quit being foolish!" he cried. "We are beginning to sound like five-year-olds fighting over a toy! What do you want, a confession? Fine, I like him! Was that all you wanted to hear?! Now leave me alone!" Hisoka stopped, breathed in deeply and placed his hand against his forehead, thinking. "Listen...we're going home today so we won't bother y..." he stopped, noticing that Hijiri wasn't looking at him, but over his shoulder. "What?"

         Hisoka turned around and gasped. 

         Tsuzuki was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, looking extremely astonished, not to say shocked, after having probably heard all of the argument.

         And, for a long moment, there was silence.

++++++++++


	5. Five

_So, this is almost over. There will be one more chapter unless you think it should end here. I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed; your encouragement is what keeps me, or any writer, going. And I'd like to thank Gold, too, for being so patient and for proofreading my writings. _

_Disclaimers:__ Yami no Matsuei and all the characters involved in this story do not belong to me._

_++++++++++_

            A Waste of Time [Five: Return]

            They didn't know what to say, no one knew how to start.

            So it they sat mechanically, the three of them at the same time, trapped in a suffocating silence, waiting for someone —or something—to break it. It was Hijiri who finally spoke up, glancing first at Tsuzuki and then at Hisoka. 

            "We have a problem," he said, slowly, almost mumbling, and certainly half-wishing that he hadn't spoken at all. "And it's something we can't deal with ourselves since it concerns you—" here he fixed his eyes on Tsuzuki—"and I guess we have hidden it for time enough." His eyes darted, tellingly, to the scarlet-faced Hisoka. 

            "It wasn't my intention to overhear it," Tsuzuki said, trying to make things better but he only succeeded in making Hisoka even more nervous about what Hijiri would say next. "If you don't want to talk about it, it's fine with me."

            "No, it was good that you heard it, since I don't think either of us would have summoned enough courage to—well, to walk up to you and say it," Hijiri admitted sincerely. "It's just foolishness to pretend that nothing happened because, well, it did. And we might need your help to get out of this mess we got ourselves into."

            Tsuzuki and Hijiri stared at Hisoka, expecting him to say something, but he kept quiet, knowing that he would only make things worse, not being good with words unlike the other two. Instead of saying anything, unlike what had been expected, Hisoka only nodded slightly. It was his way of asking Hijiri to proceed. The violinist took a deep breath and continued. 

            "We are both feeling for you, Tsuzuki, something that goes a little further beyond friendship, and it's no use for us to argue over it when we have no idea how you feel about it—" here Hijiri paused briefly—"or about us."

            Tsuzuki fidgeted a little, wondering how he should handle it. He did not want to hurt either of his friends. He too took a deep breath. "I like the two of you very much," Tsuzuki began. "But saying whether I like one better than the other is a very hard thing for me to do. It depends on many things, and one of them is time, which I've had plenty with you, Hisoka and very little to spend with you, Hijiri. If I'm right, you are asking me to choose one of you…"

            "It's not like that!" Hisoka looked up sharply, almost distressed as he reached the point where he couldn't just listen and still keep silent. 

            "It is," Hijiri said, sadly. "Because I can't seem to find another way to do it."

            "It can't—_shouldn't—_ be like that." Hisoka knew that such a choice would hurt his partner grievously. "That would be unfair, and we…"

            "That's what I'm trying to say," interrupted Tsuzuki, holding up his hand. "There isn't a way to _choose_, I can't do that. Not when I know one so well and barely know the other, when one is alive and other is not, and I could go on with the list until you are both tired, but that's a waste of time when in the end the answer will still be the same—_I can't choose_. It's unfair, Hisoka is right, and someone might end up hurt no matter who I choose." 

            "And if he can't choose we can't decide who won and we can call it a tie," Hijiri said, lowering his head.

            "It wasn't a war to start with." Hisoka could feel the disappointment hanging in the air, and he wasn't sure if it was Hijiri's or his own. He didn't bother raising his shields despite the fact that the numerous emotions swirling around him were beginning to give him a headache. He wanted to capture every emotion felt, maybe even a stray thought, anything that would help him have hope again, help him believe that none of that had happened and soon he'd be able to sit with Tsuzuki and deal with his problems his own way. But he couldn't seem to pick out something that would give him that hope…was there _really_ nothing? Reality was deception, and there was plenty of it around him. 

            "So, is that it?" Hijiri asked, also finding it hard to believe that it had ended so soon.

            "I guess so," Tsuzuki murmured, and suddenly everything was awkward.

            "Better than I had expected," Hijiri remarked, and Hisoka suddenly wondered if Hijiri had expected Tsuzuki to choose him, Hisoka, over Hijiri., going back to his usually cheerful self, as if willing to forget that there ever was such a conversation. "So, you're going home today? It isn't snowing anymore."

            "Aa," Hisoka whispered.

            "Home sounds good and we have to go back to work anyway," Tsuzuki said, smiling. Hisoka knew that this was an escape, since Tsuzuki wouldn't mention work under normal circumstances. 

            "Oh, yes, sure," Hijiri said, shyly, almost forgetting that they had to work. "Well, I hope you will come again soon?"

            "Of course," Tsuzuki answered cheerfully. 

            Hisoka nodded in agreement, but seriously hoped that they never had to step into that house again. He stared at the window and felt relieved that he could no longer see pure white flakes coming from the sky, though snow still covered rooftops and trees. Home sounded very much appealing now, his room, his things, the place he was used to living in, not that strange house. More than anything, he felt the need to talk to Tsuzuki in particular, maybe open up a little –why not? Tsuzuki was already able to see through him anyway –and hopefully explain the situation better. He wanted his partner to hear his version of the story; it wasn't quite as simple as Hijiri had put it. Hisoka hadn't wanted Tsuzuki to choose, in the first place.

            But, most of all, he wanted to go home. 

++++++++++

            There were no bags to be packed, nothing to be left behind for a reason, so leaving wasn't a complicated task. Hijiri waited for the shinigami at the door, which was still somewhat difficult to open although he managed to, somehow. Hijiri did his best not to look sad as he wasn't looking forward to this departure at all. But there were things in life that just couldn't be prevented from happening. Good byes were one of them, happening everyday like they meant nothing, but were still rough enough to break hearts. And there he stood, ready to face another good bye.

            "So…you'll come again, right?" Hijiri asked, as Tsuzuki and Hisoka met him at the door.

            "Yes," Tsuzuki said, reassuringly. 

            "Come back any time you want to," Hijiri told them. _Come back soon._

            The shinigami were already outside when Hijiri called them back. Without any warning, the violinist threw his arms around Tsuzuki in a tight hug, and didn't let go for quite a while. Then he pulled away and did the same to Hisoka, a shorter embrace, but before he pulled away, Hijiri whispered for no one but Hisoka to hear.

            "Take care of him. And of yourself."

            "Aa. I will," Hisoka whispered back, as Hijiri returned to the door. 

            "I'll see you later."

            Tsuzuki waved as they left, and Hijiri watched them go. So, that was it. No good byes, just a later that might not come at all. A departure so gentle that it didn't even hurt, but felt like it had never happened, that perhaps it wasn't a departure or eternal parting…perhaps because there was an open door behind, an invitation that was always open. Suddenly Hisoka found himself walking home with Tsuzuki like they did everyday and wondered if all of it hadn't been just a long daydream. But the conversations, the feelings—they were all vivid in his mind, and although he tried to believe that it was an illusion, he could clearly see that it was not.

            And they walked in silence, in spite of all the things that still had to be said, of the talk that Hisoka had imagine they'd have as soon as they left Hijiri's house, none of which seemed even close to happening. Silence was comfortable or so it must have been to Tsuzuki, but it bothered Hisoka. His partner had raised his shields, so he couldn't even try to look inside, or search for something. There was nothing, and he'd have to deal with that.

            When they finally reached their street and Hisoka could see his house in the distance, he felt a lot better. They'd find a way to live with all that had been said, they always did. And it wasn't like Hisoka was about to give up on the person he liked the most because of a small rejection that didn't even feel like one. Instead, he decided to try a little harder to captivate Tsuzuki. He knew that friendship was only one step away from love, and since he already had Tsuzuki's friendship, the rest would come with time. All he had to do was wait. And Hisoka could be patient when it was convenient. 

            As they entered their garden, killed by the weather but still beautiful for Hisoka, Tsuzuki crouched on the ground, made a snowball and threw at his partner, hitting his arm. 

            "Why did you do that?" Hisoka asked, frowning as he brushed off the snow.

            "Because I felt like it," Tsuzuki said cheerfully. "Come on, Hisoka, haven't you ever had a snowball fight in your life?"

            No, Hisoka hadn't, but having a snowball fight with Tsuzuki sounded good, as much as he wanted to enter the house for it was cold outside. He made a small snowball and threw at Tsuzuki, hitting his shoulder. Tsuzuki countered the attack, his laughter echoing in the air. Hisoka couldn't tell how much he had missed that laughter; he couldn't recall hearing Tsuzuki laugh like that since they went to Hijiri's place. The supposed fight went on for a few more minutes until they were both shivering and wet from the melting snow. Without an official sign they stopped attacking, and Hisoka couldn't help but smile, shyly and secretly, as Tsuzuki struggled to find his keys in the many pockets of his coat.

            "Ready?" Tsuzuki asked, playfully.

            "Open the door already."

            So Tsuzuki did, and Hisoka was about to walk into the house when he found himself suddenly pulled back, and scooped up in strong arms that carried him inside. In spite of the cold, he felt his cheeks burn.

            "Put me down!"

            But Tsuzuki didn't obey him. Hisoka still struggled for a few more seconds before quieting down and enjoying one of the sudden displays of affection that he was getting so used to. 

            "Home, sweet home." Tsuzuki said, cheerfully. And he was right, for in Hisoka's mind, nothing could be better than coming home.

++++++++++


	6. Six

_Thus, it ends…This is officially the last chapter of "A Waste of Time". _

_Disclaimers:__ I don't own Yami no Matsuei._

_++++++++++_

         A Waste of Time [Six: Messy Room]

         The negative emotions didn't hurt that much once you learned how to live with them. If you just put a smile on your face and simply ignored them, most people wouldn't notice, and some wouldn't care at all. After all, people had their lives to deal with and their errands to run, and were too busy to even try to see behind whatever mask was put on your face. But there would always be someone to actually care, to notice and to dig in deep enough to find out what you're hiding.

         Ever since he was a child, Hisoka had learned that it was no use to have negative emotions since no one would care whether he felt bad or not. He learned not to let anything out, but it was impossible not to _feel_. So he decided not to let it show, to hide them as deeply as he could, for no one would have patience to look for them if he knew exactly where to hide. And it hadn't been that hard to keep the mask on his face—a few well-timed glares, rough words when necessary and everything would be alright, or almost. But then Tsuzuki came and his perfect little world turned upside down. He was not used to all the friendship his partner liked to so freely demonstrate, or to have someone actually caring for him. It gave him the feeling of safety that he was so afraid of, since he had never had someone to lean on his entire life. He didn't know how to deal with the fact that there would be someone to catch him if he fell, not to let him drown. Suddenly he wasn't lost in the dark anymore. It was a feeling of security that was actually slightly disturbing, and first Hisoka hated himself for liking it. 

         However, Tsuzuki was not willing to give up and sometimes Hisoka had to shout at the man to leave him alone, even when he silently hoped that Tsuzuki would not oblige. Slowly, ever so slowly, Hisoka started getting used to all the concern, the care of his partner and gradually he grew not to feel too bothered by it anymore. Learning how to open up a little took longer, and learning how to let Tsuzuki help him too, and even learning to help Tsuzuki whenever it was needed took time. Hisoka learned what it was like to have a friend, and how good it felt to let go of the oh-so-terrifying past and await for what the future reserved for him. It wasn't an easy task, but he wasn't alone, because there was always Tsuzuki to support him along the way. That much Hisoka had learned. 

         And now Hisoka cursed himself for ruining it all and feeling something he shouldn't, for wanting something that he couldn't have. For asking from Tsuzuki more than he could give, Hisoka felt foolish and wished he had never even felt anything at all. Love would always hurt, requited or unrequited, and that was something Hisoka hadn't been trained to hide. Everything was working perfectly fine until Tsuzuki decided to visit Hijiri and they had gotten snowed in. Hisoka didn't expect Hijiri to take advantage of the situation to tell Hisoka, and later Tsuzuki, that he loved the older shinigami, even when he barely knew him. 

         Life had become messy and full of disappointment ever since, and Hisoka wasn't really sure what to do. Things had changed, even when Tsuzuki was still cheerful as usual and unwilling to comment the events at Hijiri's place. Hisoka could feel it, and it hurt. All he wanted was to go back to what life used to be before Hijiri appeared, out of the blue, and messed it up. So why was that simple wish so hard to be granted? 

         If the room was dark it was not because the lights were off, or because the curtains were closed, blocking the last rays of the sun. Night was coming, and night was once again a lonely time. So before he could feel lonely, Hisoka sought for isolation, where he would have no one to blame but himself, because the only person he could blame for his loneliness was Tsuzuki, so close and yet so far, and he didn't want his partner to feel more guilt than he already felt. It was unfair. Life was unfair. 

         And the room was dark because its owner didn't bother trying to feel anything positive, just letting deception sink in and learning how to live with it. It didn't hurt that much once he got used to it. He could put up the walls again, slowly. Then maybe he could go back to his usual life and forget that he had ever felt something stronger than friendship for Tsuzuki. And future would come and swallow the past, making things better. Hisoka had learned to believe that tomorrow would be better. That was what Tsuzuki had taught him.

_          Tomorrow_ would not come for a while, though. Not until he learned how to deal with today.

         Books on the floor, the lamp that had been on not so long ago, markers scattered on the bed… Hisoka had tried to read, but the words did not sink in and the task had become boring and tiring. Hisoka thought that going out to clear up his head was a good idea, but he gave up on it before trying, deciding that he would just be wasting his time and anyway, he would not feel any better even if he did go out. And feeling better was all he wanted at the moment. Was it too much to expect Tsuzuki to enter the room anytime soon and decide to talk, instead of keeping the silence that had been between them as if nothing had ever happened? Maybe in Tsuzuki's mind nothing had happened anyway, and why bother trying to explain when denial was so appealing?

         But Hisoka wasn't willing to deny anything anymore, and most of all, he was tired of denying himself. He had done that for long enough. It was a simple thing, to stand up from the bed and go to the living room, where Tsuzuki probably was, asking him to have a quick conversation, even if the outcome wasn't exactly what he expected. Still, Hisoka did not move. He didn't really wish to leave the silence of the room, and he wasn't sure that he wanted to feel the disappointment all over again—once was more than enough. He wasn't happy but he wasn't uncomfortable with it either, so why not leave things alone? Everything would settle down, sooner or later. All he had to do was to wait.

         A knock on the door. Soft, hesitant, almost imperceptible. Then another, a little more confident. 

         Hisoka sighed. "The door is open," he mumbled. 

         The doorknob turned ever so slowly and Tsuzuki walked in, closing the door behind him. "It's so dark here…" the man commented, and proceeded to open the curtains. The day's last rays of light invaded the room, not strong enough to hurt Hisoka's eyes, but undeniably a bother. Darkness had been so comfortable, but Tsuzuki couldn't leave things well alone. Not that Hisoka minded. Light had invaded the room when Tsuzuki first stepped there, anyway. "Were you sleeping?"

         "No." 

         "You looked so down when we returned from work that I thought you weren't feeling quite alright. So I came to check on you," Tsuzuki explained. 

         "I'm tired, that's all," Hisoka lied, turning around to stare at his partner. "…thanks." 

         Tsuzuki smiled, sitting down on the bed beside the boy. "If you're tired you can sleep and I'll call you when dinner is ready."

         "You are not going to cook, are you?" Hisoka asked, raising an eyebrow.

         "No, you don't like it when I cook, that's why you forced me to get that microwave oven, remember?" Tsuzuki said, playfully. 

         Hisoka glared at him. "Baka. I don't want to sleep. I…" Hisoka drew a deep breath. "…I don't know. You don't want to talk to me and I have this feeling…that something was left unsaid." 

         "Talk about what, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked, curiously. 

         "Don't play the fool!" Hisoka snapped, his patience running dry. "You know very well what I'm talking about." And running a hand through his hair in exasperation at the cluelessness written all over Tsuzuki's face, Hisoka whispered a single name quietly. "Hijiri."

         "I like him as a friend. Nothing less, nothing more."

         "I know. Just like me." Hisoka said, turning his gaze to the window, not sure if he wanted Tsuzuki to agree with the statement. He meant _just like the way you like me. _He knew he was being foolish, the man had already said how he felt about him, but there was that stupid feeling, always giving him hope that maybe, maybe Tsuzuki could have changed his mind somewhere during those three days they had already spent away from Hijiri. And this time Tsuzuki didn't disappoint him.

         "That's when things get confusing." 

         Hisoka turned to his partner and raised his eyebrows. "What do you mean?" 

         "Well…" Tsuzuki paused, staring at the ground as if searching for words to express himself. "I'm not sure I really know the difference between friendship and love. Of course, everyone would think this is foolish, but I've never had time to have a very close friend, and I doubt I've ever really loved someone. But the way I feel for you is not like the way I feel for Hijiri. It's something totally different."

         "…how so?" Hisoka asked, sitting up and pushing the covers aside. Tsuzuki's speech had interested him more than he thought it would.

         "Everyone was gone and suddenly…someone stayed. Someone didn't leave me like they all do. It was you, and I want to be close to you, but I don't know how to. I know it sounds strange…because people always think that I'm the one who expresses emotion easily…so I must also know how to love, and what it means…but it's not true." Tsuzuki smiled wryly. "You've taught me a lot of things, 'Soka-chan. And I was thinking that… if you agree, of course… Maybe you could teach me how to love you back."

         Hisoka stared at Tsuzuki, unsure of what to say or if there was something to be said at such a moment. Deciding that probably there was nothing he could say that would express what he felt, he let his actions speak for him. Leaning forward he wrapped his arms around the man's neck and laid his head on his shoulder. After a few seconds of hesitation, Tsuzuki returned the embrace, pulling Hisoka closer to him. 

         "Will you teach me, 'Soka-chan?" Tsuzuki asked, caressing the boy's back ever so lightly, and there was a hint of fear in his voice, as if he expected to be rejected. 

         Hisoka pulled away to look into his partner's eyes, serious for a moment but then letting a small smile make its way into his lips. "We can always try. And if it fails, well, we can think of that later." He said, feeling slightly relieved that everything had finally ended. 

         Tsuzuki smiled and drew him closer for a kiss that lasted for less than five seconds, but it was enough for all their needs. They returned to their embrace, ignoring the entire world around them. Whatever people might think, it didn't worry them anymore. All the mess would be fixed, the disappointment gone; the fear and solitude would not be a bother anymore. Having faith made sense; and if failure was inevitable, they'd worry about it later. Tomorrow would come one way or the other, good or bad, it was still far away; they only cared about here and now. Nothing else would matter, and they'd face tomorrow, unafraid, together.

         If it depended on Hisoka, tomorrow would be better than today. After all, it always was.

++++++++++

         Days later, somewhere, far away from there, in a small, quiet house, a young man plays the violin, the soft, steady melody making the room seem emptier than it already is. Sorrowful, calm, almost a requiem to a love that is about to die, but this man isn't sad. He feels empty, like the place he is in but, as he is used to this emptiness, nothing will make him stop playing the song that solaces him so much. Not the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes, or the certainty that he has not been chosen, that he has been left behind…those won't make him stop playing. 

         Someday, he knows, he'll find another tune that suits better the occasion. One day he'll be able to hear and _feel_ the songs he plays with a smile on his face, for he can hope for better days, and hope is always in his heart, whether he wants it or not. He is only human, and he prefers to be positive rather than to let the darkness wash over him like a tidal wave. So he hopes, as he plays, that someday he'll be able to play a different song, something happier, lighter, and simpler; and hopes this song will make him happy too.

         But for now, he won't stop playing his requiem. Not even when the first tears start escaping his eyelids, trickling down his cheeks and splattering against the violin he holds so dearly to his shoulder. 

         And, outside, the sun begins to shine, announcing a brand new day.

++++++++++ 


End file.
